5 Tips on How to Survive Your Child’s Homework

Are you having problems with your child skipping, forgetting or avoiding doing their homework? Frustrated with the constant calls from their class teacher for the umpteenth time, reminding you to keep a more watchful eye on your kid’s homework? Why can’t they do it themselves?Between managing a household or a business, a job or three other kids, where would a parent be able to FIND THE TIME to help with their child’s homework? I mean don’t they have teachers for that in school or in tuition or daycare? What MORE do they want?!

Whoa whoa whoa. Take a deep breath. Don’t worry, you’re doing fine. Things may feel overwhelming right now but by the end of this post, perhaps you may get a better sense of what to do and how to help your child and your sanity.

More Reading: Ever had your kid cheat on a test? Here’s how you can react to this news like a cool parent.

First up, we need to make some adjustments towards the way we view homework in general.

Homework Is a Necessary Evil, GRRR

Homework can make or break a child’s attitude towards education. Give a child too little and he can’t follow the lesson the teacher is trying to teach; give a child too much and she won’t be keen to look at another book (even if it is for leisure) once she has completed all her homework. That would be a crying shame.

Not only that, once your kid starts hating homework, they’ll develop a fear or hatred for school as well, and then your morning’s shot. You don’t want to wait until they get there before you step in. Because that mess follows your kid and you throughout their school life.

So Rule #1 is to never give kids a reason to hate homework.

That said, there is another more important thing you need to keep at the back of your head at all times: your child’s view of homework is a reflection of your view of homework.

#wut?

Ok, bear with me. How many times have you talked about how much homework (tonnes!) your child has, to another adult? How many times have you talked about it in front of your child (you won’t believe the amount of spelling and writing he has come home with today, and it’s only Monday)?

When you do that, you’re imprinting upon them the impression that there is a truckload of paperwork that they will have to go through = they have less time for fun and play, ergo homework = bad.

Image by congerdesign from Pixabay

If you, as a parent, attach a frustrated feeling towards “homework” (oh no, not more writing work!) viewing it as a burden (but we did 5 pages already yesterday, why are they giving you 5 more?) rather than a responsibility or something that is beneficial to yourself and therefore your child, then your child will adopt the same feeling towards homework (oh no, mom is not going to like it that I have more Math worksheets to do tonight).

And right there is where you would have lost half the battle. So let’s fix that.

Homework Is Good Training, Young Grasshopper

It helps to instil the view of homework as a responsibility given by a teacher to a student. Everyone has responsibilities; it is part of growing up.

The thing with giving responsibilities to kids as young as 7 years old (Primary 1) is that we have to go through it in stages. Or at least we should. The problem is schools these days just dive right in and will send your kid home with 3 to 5 pages of homework for each subject. That’s why kindergartens are doing the same. #GottaStartThemEarly

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(Which is also why you should start doing whatever you are picking up from this post with your kid as soon as they start preschool or start bringing home homework. It makes things easier as they grow older. Just don’t be too strict about it because remember Rule #1.)

As a parent, rather than adopt a sluggish view about homework (urgh, are they prepping you for a PhD with all these workbooks?), think about it as a training session that helps them improve in school.

To help kids manage, split up the work to bite-sized pieces, and mix some of the heavy-duty work (writing or colouring) with the lighter workloads (filling in the blanks, matching, multiple-choice questions).

You could also break things up in between with a snack session or a quick break with their favourite toys.

Be careful to set a tangible deadline for them or else playtime will extend all the way until bedtime. No matter what, you must finish your homework, because it is a responsibility assigned to you. Drill this into their head. Help them organise their workload but let them own their homework.

Fully Utilise Homework If yOU Are Doing It ANyways!

For all the time and effort you put into homework, you best make full use of homework. It’s also important for your kids to understand what they are learning. Don’t do homework just for the sake of finishing it.

Homework is a great tool for seeing how well your child is progressing in school, or otherwise. You don’t need to look at your child’s report card to know how they are faring if you follow their homework at least during the first three years of primary school (or until they are 10 years old).

The idea is to make sure they are learning what they are supposed to learn. The point is that they learn something new every time they are doing homework. Plus, doing it bit by bit takes away the stress from learning. And it’s best to get your child to learn how to ask questions.

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I learned probably a little too late that kids don’t know what it is that they don’t know. Sometimes you take for granted that they understand what you are talking about and that they are absorbing what you are teaching.

That’s almost never the case.

And you would not know unless they ask you questions. So encourage them to ask. Make communication two ways as often as possible.

Doing Homework Is A Habit Worth Nurturing

When doing homework, make sure finishing it becomes a habit. For example, getting homework done before play, or getting it done before going to bed. Be consistent when executing this and it will become your child’s habit, one they can do independently once they are older. #dobbyisfree

Another trick to surviving homework is to be organised. The sooner you can plow through homework, the sooner you can get back to your toys. So help them get started asap.

While they are in class, when a new homework is assigned, get them to separate the homework into a special homework file (one you will need to prepare) or into a special section in their schoolbag (like an inner pocket).

Alternatively, the kids can jot the pages down in a notebook, and earmark the page to make it easier to find. This beats having to rummage through every workbook in hopes of finding, and not missing, any assigned homework.

Mitigating Reluctance

Look, we have days when we are just too tired or down to be bothered with anything. Kids have days like these too. They may have had a row with a friend, or a teacher may have given them a tongue lashing over something that isn’t their fault in the first place.

Whatever the reason is, kids have bad days too. Parents will do well to pay heed to these moments as well as help these kids address their emotions in those situations. #anotherarticle #anotherday

If however your child has started throwing tantrums, that’s a sure sign of fatigue, which requires a power nap, or skipping swimming/football practice. When tantrums happen, homework can wait. In fact, I let my daughter skip her homework if she is too tired to follow through, ever since I found her passed out on the dinner table sprawled across a pile of her half-done homework.

We need to teach kids to put their health above getting things done. It’s something many adults our age don’t know they can do.

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You want your child to grow up and be independent as soon as possible, but it is not something that happens overnight. Be fair to them, guide them by showing them the steps but make sure they take the steps themselves, with your support on the side, of course.

School results are not the only important thing in life, but it is a good indication of their personal progress, which helps you figure out how much help they may need from you. Use grades as goals instead of your child’s reason for being, and we all are going to be alright.

How Going Home For CNY Can Help Make You A Better Parent

We’re midway through the Chinese New Year celebrations for 2019, the Year of the Pig. Before we go further, I’d like to wish you a wonderful Chinese New Year, may the coming year bless you with abundance, prosperity, good health, plenty of wealth and tons of happiness. Now, let’s get to our regular programming.

For CNY, I went home to Tawau which is in the state of Sabah, the land below the wind. I got holed up in a house that 17 people slept in during the night and 20-30 people run around in during the day. Eight of those are someone’s grandkids.

With so many family nuclei crowded together, I had the exciting opportunity to observe parenting techniques practiced by each family member and their spouses. But first, let’s set the scene.

Community-based Parenting

In a large household, because not everyone can be at the same place as their children at the same time – some of us are cooking in the kitchen, others are smoking in the balcony, still others are doing housework while the kids are almost always never in a line of sight – we all depend on the unofficial community-based parenting method to keep all eight of the grandkids injury-free as much as possible.

What happens is that you parent the child that is closest to you (by proximity, not by relationship). As every child that runs around will call you a variation of uncle (伯伯 / 舅舅 / 叔叔) or auntie (阿姨 / 姑姑), you can pull rank and make them behave if they are misbehaving.

It’s amazing what an uncle or an aunt can do that their own parents can’t: make them switch off that phone, make them eat the food in front of them, make them stop cussing (kids cuss so much these days), make them stop running around, make them run more, make them stand still and look at the camera and smile like they mean it – stuff like that.

Effectiveness May Vary

Some aunts or uncles are more effective than others. Seniority doesn’t help much; the level of your voice and how stern you are does. Noticeably, the aunts talk more to the kids (is school fun? I bet it’s fun) while the uncles talk more to fellow parents (schools these days, sigh).

Some conversations get really personal.

One of my nephews had an incident a few months back with his mother that left everyone upset. The son, at the onset of puberty and possibly a rebellious stage, had upset his mother. The good news is she is tough and won’t let something like this faze her.

But this is an issue that should be addressed, and my husband carried out his role as uncle to talk to the boy about it. I admire his patience when talking to his nephew. He took the time to ask the boy what happened from his point of view. Rather than take what was told at face value, he asked questions that dug into the details, the kind of questions that tear fibs apart. The boy had no choice but to be completely honest.

Uncle promised a resolution with the mother. Nephew says to leave it alone. Uncle respected his nephew’s decision because he is growing up but made him promise to try harder to be more civil with his mother. Nephew accepts. They go back to their activities.

Doing It Longer Doesn’t Mean You’re Doing it Right

Correcting children’s behaviour is one thing. Correcting parent’s behaviour is another. We often look up to the older generation for tips on parenting, right? I mean, “you raised more kids that I will ever dream of having. They all survived to adulthood, they aren’t robbing banks or doing drugs, ipso facto you must be a great parent.”

With a line of reasoning like that comes a misplaced sense of confidence and belief in those who have been parents longer.

But doing it longer doesn’t mean you have been doing it right.

Parents had it far easier back then: the streets weren’t as dangerous, there is less toxins in our food, teaching was actually an ambition and a dream job, school headmasters were revered, people were less judgemental if you beat your kids etc. Old-timey parents get a Grade A for parenting if their kids grow up normal, in other words average. Average is good.

Today’s kids have to live up to higher expectations in more demanding environments. They have to deal with stress from studies as well as responsibilities in the classroom and at home. With both parents working, today’s children lack the emotional support that many of their parents had while growing up in single-working-parent households.

Society has also grown more dangerous and bold – it’s no longer a viable option for a child to walk to the store alone. In fact, if anything happens to the child during said walk, people call the parents an idiot for being neglectful yet never really ask what caused the environment to change so drastically between their relatively safer time and this currently problematic one. But I digress.

My point is we live in different times.

Old parenting methods may work but they no longer suffice. And we have to adjust and make changes. We need to communicate with our kids more. We must equip them with valuable knowledge and skills and ways to defend themselves. Don’t you agree? Yes? Try telling this to someone who has been a parent longer than you.

Excusing Behavioural Problems

How dare you say I don’t talk to my children enough. I talk to them all the time. Heck, I’ve been doing this far longer than you, my kids are older than yours. You wait until your kids are the same age, then you’ll see how hard you will have it. When that happens to you, then you’ll know.

Whoa, I’m sorry for trying to drop a hint that your child needs a little bit more of your time. This is not about you or your parenting skills. It’s about your kid. But fine, I’ll back off. Cause I get it: getting critiqued as a parent always makes one feel really bad. And let’s face it, you get a higher dose of those during CNY.

We all seem to think that if we fail as a parent, then it’s all over. I’ve learned that this is so not true. Parenting isn’t a job you can quit or a career you can leave. That thought is downright frightening. But at the same time, if you look at it a different way, this also means that even if you mess up a thousand times, you’re still going to keep your job as a parent. As long as you keep trying, and keep doing that job, it’s never really over.

Instead, what we (my finger is doing circles in the air right now) shouldn’t do but still do anyways, is that we set the bar low. We attribute every behavioural problem to a phase or a developmental stage. In other words, we make excuses for our kids. It’s almost a culture.

Child disrespecting you? “Oh it’s their rebellious stage, it will blow over soon.” Child can’t manage their studies well? “They’re kids. It’s unnatural to chain them to a desk for 6 hours a day.” Child stuck on screens a lot? “There’s nothing for them to do here, the weather is so hot, there are kidnappers out there on the prowl.” You get my drift.

When we make excuses for our kids, we are actually making excuses for ourselves. That’s when we stop trying. And that’s when we need to sit up and pay attention.

Tackling Parenting Like A Boss

(Have I got your attention? Want to have a share of the nuggets of parenting tips I’ve collected from various parents in the past few CNY? Come join me. Let’s all learn together-gether.)

I’ve learned to keep an open mind with parenting advice. Some parenting advice are golden, those passed down from generation to generation, those that have proven themselves over and over again. Others reek of passing trends (those gleaned from articles) and failure due to poor execution (low levels of commitment). It’s healthy to mix it all up and then pull the ones that work with your situation out of the parenting hat.

Bear in mind that what works for you may not work for others, and of course, vice versa. Also, what works for one child may not work for their sibling, and of course, vice versa. Parenting isn’t a science, it’s an art. #rollwiththepunches Here we go:

You have to commit if you want to be an effective parent. Be consistent. E.g. you can’t treat your kids being rude to you as a joke on a good day then snap at them when you are having a bad day. If they’re not supposed to be rude to you, tell them, every single time no matter what mood you are in.

You have to teach with your actions and your behaviour rather than your scoldings and lectures. Practice what you preach e.g. stop playing with your phone 24/7 if you want your kids to stop playing on their phones 24/7.

If parenting isn’t difficult, you probably aren’t doing it right. Worrying about whether you are doing this right is part of the process too. You need two things to help you through: faith and patience (time). The second one is harder, trust me.

Even if you mess up, it’s okay. It’s always okay. Stop beating yourself up. Stop being so stubborn. Learn from your mistakes. And stop doing the wrong thing again and again.

What works in one family may not work in another. Every technique works based on a set of circumstances (home environment, how much time you spend with your kid, principles you have lived with and are now passing down to your kids etc) e.g. not all kids function better if you scold them, some kids don’t require scolding in order to do what you ask but they may require specific instructions and words of encouragement. Adapt.

If you are going to complain about your child with them in the room, (to another adult), you need to sing praises in front of them too. Don’t do one in front of them and one behind them. Be fair. Keep their self esteem and how your actions affect them at the back of your head at all times.

Talking to your kids isn’t the same as communicating with them. Communicating with your kids is teaching them without it feeling like you are teaching them. Think that is hard? Then try teaching first. Teaching is the art of delivering what is in your head into your child’s head. It’s actually harder than it sounds. What you are telling them may not be what they are receiving on their end. You will need to always make the effort to make sure you both are on the same page. Hence, talking to your kids isn’t the same as communicating with them.

Kids have good opinions too. We just have to learn to listen. Sometimes we need to wait quite a while. Without interrupting them. While motivating them to speak. In a no-judgement zone. Without saying things like, “you’re a kid, what do you know?” And we need to do this often if we want to raise kids with good, solid, substantive opinions.

Kids who talk back grow up to be more assertive and sure of themselves. So long as they aren’t rude, give them some leeway. Never fall back on, “you do as I say because I said so” cause that will come back and bite your ass faster than you can say “because I said so”. Kids who talk back develop better sense of logic. Rather than discourage them, encourage them by breaking apart their argument. They will come back stronger and that trains their sense of logic to the point where that will keep them out of trouble because then they know how to tell right from wrong.

Teach your children respect so it becomes part of their principles. Children may think being rude is just being playful. Don’t wait until they make that association before you teach them to be polite when they speak to someone older than them. Make it so it is engrained in the way they are, to the point that if they see another child being rude to an older person, they will speak up.

In Conclusion

Oh, I’m done with the post. I just want to share something else: a theory and this cool shot of home.

During CNY, while it is festive to be amongst so many people at all hours of the day, the discomfort of working long hours in the kitchen and running through hoops to get things done in time does get to you. Meanwhile, children run free and get into trouble. Tempers flare, especially if those children belong to you.

I think that some Chinese ancestor from all those years ago noticed this and passed down specific rules like “No scolding or anger on the first day of Chinese New Year or bad luck shall befall upon you and your family”

As a reaction, parents proactively give warnings to their children, “Please behave on the first day of CNY, I don’t want to scold you please, it is bad luck. Please.” The children behave (or not) and the parents will ignore their shenanigans or correct them in a calm manner instead of shrieking at them for being such a hooligan, thereby keeping the harmonious nature of CNY in spite of all the stress and hectic goings-on behind the scenes.

In conclusion, I think the person who set this rule is a goddamn genius and deserves a Nobel Peace prize.

Who Has It Harder: Working Moms or Stay-At-Home Moms?

Yeah, I’m going there.

First of all, I have been many types of mothers: A full-time working mom, a part-time working mom, a full-time work-from-home mom and currently a stay-at-home mom.

I’m far from an authority from the subject but I have so to speak been there, and as my own editor, I have decided, that’s good enough.

Disclaimer: Please don’t take offence that I’m writing this from a mom’s POV. I can’t speak on behalf of dads even though some of the things here may apply to a father as well. Just do the gender switch in your head. Thanks.

Full Time Working Mom

Pros:

You spend time away from your children. You don’t have to be distracted at work unless you allow yourself to be. No one will come bother you every 5 minutes seeking your attention or approval when you don’t have either to spare. You contact them, their sitter or your mom, whenever you have time to spare and care. You’re in control of how you spend your time.

You have your own income to use. You can buy that bag or shoes or lipstick you want without needing to ask anyone for sponsorship. You don’t have to answer to anyone questioning your spending habits. It’s a privilege you don’t realise you have until it’s gone.

You will feel mother’s guilt. No matter what it is that you do, some people will give you a tough time because you aren’t attached to the hip to your kids. Are you spending enough time with your children? Do you help with homework? Do you send them for karate lessons, violin lessons, enrichment classes, tuition so they can keep up with the rest of the class? Why not? #urghleavemealone

Cons:

You spend time away from your children. You miss their first steps, their first words, their first crush, their first disappointment, all inside stories you could make references to when they are older (What was I like, mom? You were an angel in everything #coverstory). But the good news is that doesn’t make you less of a mom. If you make the effort to spend quality time with your kids, however short that time is, that’s what your children will turn into their childhood memories.

Sit down and have a chat with your kids. It’s the most liberating thing in the world.

You have your own income to use. This also means that you have to chip in when it comes to spending money on the children. Their tuition classes, birthday gifts for classmates, get-ups for school performances. Children are expensive. You just don’t realise how expensive they are until you start keeping track (which you totally should).

You will feel mother’s guilt. No matter what it is that you do, some people will give you a tough time because how dare you want time away from your children? They are angels. You had them, you have to take real good care of them. Are you making them homemade lunches for school and feeding them superfoods in every meal? Are you personally baking cookies and cakes for them to sell the school sale? Do you send them for karate lessons, violin lessons, enrichment classes, tuition so they can keep up with the rest of the class? Why not? #urghleavemealone

Stay-At-Home Mom

Pros:

You have all the time in the world. You can wake up whenever you like, sleep whenever you like, go out for tea with friends whenever you like because you are not tied down by any work schedule, opening or closing hours, or any company policy that prohibits you from leaving your workplace before your break time starts.

Your kids are your best friends. You are there for their firsts, 100ths and beyond. You can soothe them when they are sick or sad or disappointed or upset. You are there to remind them of what is important in life and how a drawback does not mean it is the end of the world. You keep them in check so they do not lose their way. And they do the same for you as well.

You’re in this together.

Your patience will be tested. After being around kids for a long time, you will develop a patience level for saints. You have the liberty to push everything else aside and sit down with them to ask, “Are you okay? Do you need my help with anything? I’m here for you.” And you have the freedom to wait for them to answer you and sometimes they will take a while to reply you. You will learn that patience is just practiced waiting.

Cons:

You have all the time in the world. But you are constantly tired because since people think you have all the time in the world, you don’t need (or deserve) breaks. You can go anywhere but you have to schedule that around your child’s drop-off and pick-up time. The things you do must always be done within a “window of opportunity” instead of something done in leisure.

Your best friends are your kids. You’ll develop children talk, watch children shows, sing children songs. You will know everything about your children’s TV show hosts, when they are coming to a theatre near you so you can get tickets. You will learn about how expensive children merchandise are. And you will lose touch on everything else grown-up if you don’t actively keep your grown-up side relevant.

Together TV time

Your patience will be tested. You will develop zero patience for things you have told them a thousand times. After a soft warning, a hard warning, a threat, the death stare, your kids will get the cue to do or not do something as per your command. This may extend to your spouse as well. It is good to be patient, but it isn’t good to be a pushover. Reserve energy for when you need to act, but always remember to act when the situation calls for it.

The Conclusion

As you can see, it’s neck-and-neck between the two groups in this so-not-exhaustive list. As much as people want to pit working moms versus non-working moms, all moms are constantly trying to make things work while trying to not fall apart themselves. Sometimes motherhood feels suffocating and rewarding at the same time. Tell me you feel it too.

Let’s be frank here. Whether you work or not as a mom is never really a choice. It is a necessity that we drop the apron and go out to work, as it is a necessity to lose the work pass and stay at home to raise our kids.

Moms are a Jill of all trades. More often than not, many moms feel like they were pushed into a corner and the decision is taken out of their hands. I think we need to recognise the fact that we have this amazing ability to switch between the two and still continue nailing this mother role. And we deserve a pat on the back for just rolling with it.

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Personal thought: it matters little if you work or not, if you stay home or not. You carry a responsibility that only fellow mothers could empathise with. Stop pitting yourself against a mother from the other team and give your role your best shot.

How to Make Kids Appreciate the Food You Make

My daughter is an average sized child, not too tall or short or thin or overweight for her age. But she eats like a trooper especially when I make her home-cooked meals and I’m not even a very good cook compared with the other cooks in my family.

The fact that she is appreciative of the food I make for her is because when she was younger, maybe 4 or 5 years old, I let her watch her 70+ year old grandmother labour in the kitchen to make dinner for us.

One thing you need to understand about this is that we lived in one of those wooden houses you see in kampung areas. Those type of houses are cold as winter during the nights and hot as hell during the day.

As she watched her grandmother de-scale and de-gut fish or pluck feathers off a kampung chicken, or chop up meat and bone to make soup, she herself will be drenched in sweat. The hot unforgiving sun and the zinc roof turned the kitchen into a sauna on a daily basis.

Yet instead of complaining, her sense of curiosity will take over and she would ask 99 questions per hour. What is this, what is that, why is po po doing that to the chicken feet, why throw that away, what do you call this, why does it look like this, what is she adding to the soup, what does that do?

I would help fill in the blanks or ask grandma to explain to her (to be honest, it’s more of the latter. It’s a learning experience for the both of us). In between each ingredient prep, she would run off to play. And when grandma is going to prepare the next item, po po would holler from the kitchen and we would assemble next to her once again.

Come dinner time, I will identify the dish on the dinner table, and relate it with the raw ingredients that grandma had prepared just now. Remember when po po removed the scale or pluck the feathers? That is what you are eating now.

Her eyes will grow bigger with recognition, and I know that the connection has been made.

I do this often but not every day. If we can opt out of being in the hot kitchen, we would (we’re only human, not superhuman like po po) but every now and then, grandma would prepare a special meal and we would stand on the sideline and watch her work her magic.

To be honest, I did this only to introduce more of the kampung life to my daughter. I was pleasantly surprised that she understood the link between the work in the kitchen and the food at the table during dinner time. A side effect of that is that she is appreciative of every home-cooked meal, be it made by me or by her grandma.

She would ask for a second helping of rice and sometimes mid-meal, she would mumble to herself, “this is so delicious”. That’s like music to my ears after spending three hours making soup for her. (It takes only an hour now with a pressure cooker, but still…)

Now that she is older, I ask for her help to peel carrots or daikon, cut cucumbers, wash leafy vegetables or pluck water spinach (bayam). When we go to the market, she is the one who picks the tomatoes, carrots, potatoes and corn to make her favourite ABC soup.

The fact that she does this voluntarily is something that makes all those Q&A sessions in the kitchen years ago so worth it.

More Reading: Why Mothers Cook

Kid Got Caught Cheating in a Test? Here’s How You Can React Like a Cool Parent

Yesterday over lunch, I asked my daughter about her day in school. Listless, she mentioned that something happened but she doesn’t want to tell me what it is.

As a parent, your anxiety kicks in pretty fast: is she in trouble? Who with? A bully? A friend? A group of friends who are ostracising her for some reason? A teacher? What?

First of all, CALM DOWN, mom. You’re a parent. Act like one

Ok, what do we need to do here? We need to get the child to tell us, an adult, what happened without making it look like we are forcing them. It is, after all, their choice to tell us about it or not.

What is a good motivation for them to tell us? I GOT IT.

“Am I going to find out about this from your teacher eventually?”

“Maybe. And you might freak out.”

“Then perhaps it is a good idea to let me know first. Cause freaking out here is better than freaking out in school.”

That did it. She told me about how she was caught cheating on a Chinese spelling test in school. The teacher told her to stay back to do the spelling test a second time, eating into their recess time which would otherwise be spent not worrying out over how little time they have to eat.

“Are you mad at me, mom?

“I don’t see why I should be. You do your homework every day and that tires you out so much sometimes you pass out halfway through while writing. If I’m mad about anything, it’s that you were careless enough to be caught.”

“How do I not get caught?”

“Keep the answers in your head. That way, no paper trail. Oh and don’t cheat with lazy, careless kids. They will make you get caught. Don’t cheat during exams though. It’s not worth it. A failing grade is still better than zero, and a permanent record.”

  • Ask her to keep all she learns inside her head, checked.
  • Don’t conspire with kids who do not study, reduce liabilities to further reduce chances of being caught, checked.
  • Set the limits of where this behaviour is allowable and where it isn’t and the reasoning behind this limit, checked.

“Ok, mom.”

Hm, she is still at unease. Should I have been more strict? Should I have freaked out more? Maybe she needs some reassurance.

“Something still troubling you?”

“Are you sure you’re not mad?”

“Sweetie. You guys have way too many spelling tests, which I don’t agree with in the first place. And secondly, I’ve cheated on tests before when I was younger, though not during primary school because we don’t have the sort of pressures you do now.”

“Wait, you cheated on tests?”

“Just the small ones. The kind you don’t have enough time to prepare for. Not like big exams, those give you plenty of time to revise and prepare. Dad probably has cheated on a test or two. And we don’t leave paper trails like you, you amateur.”

“How did you do it?”

Well, first of all… (This is between me and my 2.0. I’m not sharing my trade secret with the rest of you’s. Figure out your own system.)

“Okay. I’ll try that.”

“What? No. Don’t try that. Your teachers are way stricter than mine. It’s just an example of how to not leave a paper trail. Again, don’t try it with kids who lack the motivation to learn and use the system properly, please. Even if you are going to do something you’re not supposed to, picking the right team member goes a long way.”

“Okay, mom.”

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah, mom. I’m good.”

Me too.

Stay At Home Mom (SAHM): Is it for me?

Many women work nowadays, especially those who build their lives and families in urban areas. Ultimately, when they become mothers, this question will pop up: Should I become a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM)?

If you are a working mother wondering if you can and/or should make the transition to Stay At Home Mom (SAHM), here’s the gist of what to expect.

It’s Not Going To Be Smooth Sailing

To start off, one major disadvantage of being a SAHM with no help from family (a sister, a mother, an in-law living) nearby is that you don’t get days off or sick leave.

You are also expected to accommodate your spouse who is always tired whilst you are never allowed to be.

Why are you tired? You’re always at home!” is going to be something you may hear a lot, as if you automatically recharge once you step through the house door. Don’t let that bug you.

You’re expected to keep the house clean, keep your body slim, tend to the children’s every need then your spouse’s every need.

You’re going to be up at an ungodly hour, prepping kids then meals, doing the laundry then the dishes, run to the market, post office, school, bank, government offices etc because your significant other can’t take time off from work to do these runs and get back in time for their next meeting.

At the end of the day, you will be expected to wear a smile on your face.

It’s All About The Money

The amount of things to do every day will seem endless, and for many SAHM they opt to get outside help for instance they take away food instead of cooking, and opt for school buses instead of doing school runs themselves.

If you want to get outside help, you can, if your spouse earns enough. (We’ll talk about money later on. It needs its own section.)

You want to go for a facial, do your hair, get a mani/pedicure etc, sure, no problem, but this is a conversation between you and your spouse.

Different households have different financial situations which can lead to different conversations.

But all of us will have to be really good with money, and figure out how to manage that finite amount we have to work with every month.

If there comes a time when you don’t have enough to work with, you have to (or learn to) tell the breadwinner. Remember that it’s not your fault if people decide to hike prices, so don’t apologise for asking for a higher allowance/funds.

Splitting responsibilities

As a Stay at Home Parent, you run a household so all you need to do is worry about the household; income is not under your department.

I say this because it’s likely that you are not getting help around the house from your spouse if s/he is working and you are not. Because that’s not their department.

It’s some weird unspoken deal that was made when one of you stops working. I believe this is one of the many issues that will plague households that make that transition from two working parents to one working parent.

Some couples hash it out, while others go into multiple weekly fights fighting about whose turn it is to do the dishes and take out the trash. It helps to remember that everyone is entitled to a break (even though they are always at home).

Many Things Won’t Go In Your Favour

There will be other things that will leave you feeling second-rate. What actually transpires may be different from one house to the next, but here are just a few examples of what to look out for:

  • Often, you may be made to feel like you are second-class; phone calls from work will always take precedence before you, and your family time. You will have to be both parents to your children.
  • You could have completed nine things in the span of an hour, but people will focus on that one thing you have not done just yet. “Why is the laundry/dishes/dinner still not done? They will interrogate you but they will probably not lift a finger to help. At times like this, ask for help rather than asking them why they are not helping. In other words, say “Can you help me pick up the kids from piano class?” rather than “Would it kill you to pick up Sam from piano class on your way home for lunch?
  • When your spouse breaks promises to your children, you have to also be the one who will have to defend them, even though you yourself are upset with them.
  • On top of that, the children’s problems are always your fault. Bad grades? Your fault for not sending them to enrichment classes. Too skinny? Your fault for not being a better cook. Fell down scrape their knee in school? It’s your fault for not getting them involved more in sports. Got bullied? Your fault for not teaching them to stick up for themselves. Teacher complain about them? Your fault for not making them perfect little angels. They taking junk food, soft drinks, fast food? Your fault for opting for the drive-thru instead of hunting for healthier albeit slower, more expensive and more cumbersome alternatives.

So… Are You Saying “Don’t” Be A SAHM?

By now, you may be thinking, “you know what? Being a SAHM doesn’t sound like all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe a SAHM isn’t for me after all seeing as how it looks like an incredibly bad deal on the part of the mom’s.”

Well, it depends on the type of partner you have and whether you have a healthy mindset that will allow you to attach significance to your role as a SAHM.

Having a supportive partner goes a long way. A supportive partner will not only help out with the kids and in the house, he will also acknowledge your contributions in keeping expenses low in the house and putting nutritious food on the table, and he will speak on your behalf when people say silly things like, “why stay at home all day? Come out to work and contribute to society.”

On that last note, I’ve just recently learned that you have to treat being a SAHM as an actual job.

You have to list your achievements, your capabilities and your disadvantages and not let people put you or your role down. Like it or not, your children are a product of your upbringing and the environment you put them in – and thus, your source of pride.

When your children behave in public, are healthy, well-fed, know how to handle themselves and their siblings well, are opinionated, are fun to be with, are helpful, respectful to elders etc – that means you excel in your role as a SAHM.

And I promise you, being told that “you are a good mom” will make all the behind-the-scenes worth it.

Personal thoughts: I should write about the way you never notice SAHM contribute to society.

Letting Kids be Kids

I was with my kids having a go at their bicycles after dinner. We live in a guarded neighbourhood so riding their bicycles after 9PM is a common occurrence. Hey, we get them out of the house whenever possible, right?

This time though, a 3 year old from next door saw us and rode his push-scooter over to play. He was chubby, a little sunburned, chatty and frankly a little bossy. His grandmother (turns out she was his great-grandmother, 85, small statured but still limber) came over to watch him not fall and hurt himself, like all mothers do instinctively.

Fifteen minutes into play, the boy manages to get my son unseated from his bike. The boy tries to ride it. Fails. Grandma reminds him repeatedly to not play in the middle of the road. He tries again. Still haven’t quite figured out the bike. Gives up. Goes back to his push scooter.

Another ten minutes into play, while playing cops and robbers, the accidentally grabbed my son’s arm too hard. My son grimaced in pain though by his lack of tears, I figured it wasn’t intolerable. After making sure he was okay, they continued playing.

Five minutes later, Grandma starts scolding the boy really loudly, then goes to retrieve a cane(!) I must have blacked out before this because at no point was the boy misbehaving so badly that Mr Cane needed to make an appearance.

Grandma starts the ritual: threaten, threaten, raises cane, boy holds his ear, stays in submissive position. Grandma lowers cane, boy runs off to continue playing. Grandma waves her cane around some more, then asks us to ignore him. “Go play. Ignore him.” Then to her great-grandson, “Why can’t you just play by yourself? Why do you need to talk so much? Why order people around so much? Why… Why… Why…” The questions kept coming, to no listener in particular.

She comes to me, apologetic. For what, I’m still not sure. I smile to her, gesture positively. “It’s okay. He’s just being a kid.” Perhaps she was afraid her kiddo had upset my kiddo with the arm thing. But that’s 10 minutes ago, by now – all but forgotten.

Then she starts her gripes. “His mother has canes all over the house. We go swimming, he goes and bother other families. He refuses to come out of the swimming pool even after swimming for an hour. I’m 85. I can’t control him without the cane. He doesn’t listen to me. His parents work late nights. See, until now, they are not back yet. I’m 85. How can I manage him without the cane?”

“CAR!” We usher the children into the parking spots, away from the road.

The boy waves at the driver and its passenger. Mommy and daddy are home. They walk over while the boy tries to squeeze in 3 more minutes of playtime. “Say goodnight to aunty and your friends.”

“Goodnight!”

How do I make my child eat faster?

The problem: His highness is taking forever at the dinner table and puts up a fight whenever you ask him to finish her food faster.

“It’s getting cold. We’ve got to go, grandma is waiting. Can you focus and pay attention to your food, PLEASE?” Nothing makes him budge. The situation descends into a screaming, shouting or crying match. Sometimes, there’s even kicking.

What’s a parent to do?

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What you need to know:

You may find slow eaters in kids who were made to eat by themselves at a relatively young age. Maybe the parents wanted to foster independence early; maybe they have more than one child to tend to and so the older ones don’t have the luxury of being fed.

In any case, children who are fed by an adult are subconsciously trained to chew and swallow faster than those who feed themselves. Parents may be unwilling to wait, or they ask the child repeatedly to swallow as the next spoonful is already waiting at the gate.

Self-eaters do not share the same motivation. They take their time, perhaps imagining dragon battles and tea party in between each mouthful. As a result, their soup is cold and their rice dried out by the time it goes down to their semi-full tummy. 

What you can do:

It’s unfair to expect children to eat at the speed of their parents but we all have places to be, things to do.

So here’s what I suggest:

  1. Split the meal into two portions, preferably into separate bowls.
  2. Let the child eat from one bowl while you feed them from the second bowl, your bowl.
  3. Let them take their time with their bowl, while you keep them on pace with your bowl. At the very least, the child will finish 50% of their food, from the second bowl.
  4. Give the child a timeline to work with: “You have ten minutes to finish your food.”
  5. Give the child a goal to work towards: “We will go to grandma’s place after this. Do you want to go? Then finish your food.”
  6. Don’t give them a hard time if they do not finish their bowl, especially if they tell you they are already full. This prevents them from making over-eating a habit.
  7. Do this consistently, reducing the amount of the food in your bowl and allowing them to be in charge of a larger portion.